KFCless

Chandigarfunkel

I'm finally feeling better after bringing back an unfortunate souvenir from India. Campylobacter. You supposedly get it from eating undercooked chicken, but I've been chicken-free since 1998, so who knows what happened...

One of the more interesting cities we visited was Chandigarh, which was planned out by Le Corbusier in the '50s after the Punjab's historic capital was partitioned over to Pakistan.

To check out the High Court, Assembly, and Secretariat buildings, we had to wait an hour for a signature from the Department of Tourism and another hour for permission from the Chief of Protocol. Funny...the electricity went out while we were sitting in a government office. The workers passed the time by suggesting KFC as a lunch spot and observing that Mexicanos look like Indians. "You have the Red Indians, do you not?"

The verdict...I like Le Corbusier's architecture as stand-alone modernist designs, but his master plan gave rise to a harsh, disconnected city that's tough on the pedestrian. Why are the major government buildings waaayyy to the north rather than a central location? Where are the sidewalks? Why must the neighborhoods have such wonderfully mechanical names like Sector 18 and Sector 22?

KFC: the new spliff dispensary

He..he..he..

When the KFC shut its doors on Exposition and National due to the bad economy, a new business took over the prominent trademark building. And the newbie entrepreneurs kept the famous initials. Kind for Cures is now KFC. Instead of extra crispy chicken leg, you can order rice krispies laced with the best Oregon bazooka. Yes, ganja is available at this medical marijuana dispensary. They even have an on-site medical doctor ready to hear your troubles and write a prescription for you then and there. Nice.

The Broadway way

Hmm...putting up a sign after business hours on a Friday night, two dudes on the same ladder, and the third guy looking distracted....I have just a hunch that they "forgot" to pull permits.

Downtown Los Angeles. Gotta love it.

Carmelita, hold me tighter

Great Caesar's Ghost...there are still a few Pioneer Chicken restaurants in the Los Angeles area. This one is on Sunset Boulevard near the intersection of Hollywood and Sunset, hanging on by a thread next to a shell of a former Circuit City. (The original location in Echo Park was shuttered just a few weeks ago.)

When I was in fifth grade, a car struck me as I was crossing San Pablo Dam Road in El Sobrante, California. The driver sped off and was never apprehended, and I was left in the road with two busted legs. As far as I'm concerned that road will forever be known as Damn San Pablo Road.

The worst pain I've ever experienced in my life came a week later...the first screwy doctor (straight outta Farewell to Arms) in nearby Pinole reset my legs incorrectly, so doctor number two in Mountain View had to re-reset the bones. The Judge Reinhold lookalike even fed me the "This won't hurt a bit" line before giving the tibia twister.

On the way home from the second hospital stay, my family stopped by Pioneer Chicken for some take-out. I remember still being sick and out of it back at home, stuck in plaster leg casts from toe to thigh, and I groggily turned to see my brother chicken chomping. In those days Pioneer Chicken was the pinnacle of all fast food chicken, a couple notches above Kentucky Fried Chicken, but being fresh from the hospital I wanted nothing to do with it.

Judge not before you judge yourself

I just read about a new KFC marketing scheme. They're offering to repair potholes in four "randomly picked" American cities. The trade-off...the asphalt fill would be stamped with a KFC logo.

Great...if it's not electronic billboards and supergraphics to worry about, now we have to be on the lookout for even more corporate graffiti.

A salty message written in the eaves

Here are a couple former KFCs...one on Figueroa near USC, and the other on Chapman in Orange. I'm always on the lookout for older fast food restaurant buildings that have been recycled into other businesses. Reminds me of hermit crabs taking over abandoned shells.

On the subject of fast food businesses...is that Vampire Weekend song "Mansard Roof" about McDonald's restaurants?

Buck the clucks

I had heard that public schools maintain student cumulative files for years, so the summer after graduating from high school in San Jose, I decided to check the damage. I have no idea why the administration reacted so defensively, but man, I practically had to make a Freedom of Information Act request to look at my own records. They finally relented, and some chump pencil pusher sat at the same desk watching my every move as I pored over the file. Oh yeah, for kicks I brought along a couple friends, Dave and Ted, and had their files pulled, too.

What was the big secret? I have no idea...there was hardly anything in there but a couple report cards and a goofball photo. The whole mystique of looking up top secret files was shattered.

This Friday my inner snoop compelled me to check the City Hall records of my little piece of the earth in Santa Ana. Again I found myself sitting across from a bureaucrat eyeing my every move while I paged through documents...public tentative tract map and conditional use permit documents in this case.

Guess who came along? Dave! Hehehe...he stared down the city worker and checked the plummeting Dow numbers.

The DeceptiColonel

Remember the episode of the old Hulk TV series with Bill Bixby when a meteorite radiates the Hulk and he only halfway morphs back to David Banner? He becomes the Dulk, if you will. That's what I'm reminded of when I see the Kentucky Fried Chicken designed by Jeffrey Daniels on Western near Beverly. (Does that make me Mr. McGee?) This may be the most unique looking corporate fast food restaurant anywhere, and the corrugated metal predates the overdone corrugation nation we're living in. I'd say it's a bucket transforming into a chicken. Let's call it a chucket.

Save the Bucket

How did the Save the 76 Ball phenomenon catch on? I haven't heard of any similar campaigns to keep the Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets alive and spinning. Those larger than life signs are historic. (Hey, anyone remember the Leave it to Beaver episode when the Beav gets stuck in the teapot billboard that actually emits steam? How about Fast Times at Ridgemont High when Rat interrupts Damone watching the same Beaver episode to get him to bring the wallet to the restaurant?) The days of the old buckets are numbered, and most cities have zoning regulations that keep a new giant bucket permanently locked out.

Here's a KFC in North Long Beach (Artesia & Downey) that still has the old Colonel...not the updated one with the silly apron...up high on a bucket.

KFC, yeah you know me

I can't remember the last time I tasted Kentucky Fried Chicken. Although I distinctly remember the last time I ate chicken...that was in the spring of 1998 at this Oaxacan restaurant in West L.A. (the one where miscellaneous fools started signing their names on the walls after Edward James Olmos put his name up)...I guess you'd have to go back to the early '90s to find my last KFC experience. Crazy considering I loved KFC growing up. Corner of Monterey and Senter in San Jose, where this kid sadly named Anil (pronounced "A-kneel") used to work.

Well for months my brain's been wired to check out KFC exterior remodels. Funny considering I have zero interest in the actual food inside of there. Apparently the corporate KFC office requires each of their locations to upgrade the outside minimum every 15 years. Since they're bleeding customers to El Pollo Loco, Pollo Campero, Starbucks, etc., they're wise to brighten up their image.

Most coast along with a minor facelift, but others go with what they call the KFC Vision Design. The Vision Thing eliminates the tile roof towers and adds in a more contemporary look, with metal awnings and metal louvers running across the side walls of the building. They start with a standard design, but cities can tinker with the design before approving, so you'll see color and material variations from place to place. Like any proposal, a lazy city staff will let a lazy design pass through. I miss the giant rotating buckets, but they've been gone for a while. Overall, the Vision Design gets my vote.

Take a look at the photos...two are in Anaheim, and one is in Orange. Do they still give out sporks at KFC?