Trashin' Sherlock

It's been raining for a few days now so I'm pretty pissy. Usually I love the rain but it makes the house so dark. Not good for bipolar sufferers. So I'm going to complain and whine and complain and whine some more.

Firstly, there's our neighbor across the street. Every Wednesday night or Thursday morning I see this woman, a teacher by professor, slink down over to our side of the street to dump her recyclables. Mind you, she has her own bin because we see it in her garage when the door is open. One time she actually had a pile of flattened boxes on the floor next to her as we were driving into our garage. She just picked them up and pretended that she was just taking a walk instead of dumping her shit into OUR bin.

Don't get me wrong. I love recycling, but this woman - I don't know her name - has her own damn bin. To top it off, she sometimes sends her thirty-something son to do the dirty work for her. The worst part in all of this is Christmas time when gift wrappers fill up our bins. Sure as dice, the teacher and her robot son would shove in their own Christmas crap - probably bringing a stool so they could step on our pile to make room for theirs. Fucking weirdos!

Second and last complaint. I saw pictures of the Sherlock Holmes movie in the works. Sherlock was shorter than Watson and he looks like Charlie Chaplin! What is going on? Fuck Guy Richie, too! Leave my cocaine sniffing, heroin shooting literary hero alone!

Sherlock Holmes Doused by Guy Ritchie

Dunno about you, but a pet peeve of mine is seeing film stars in magazines dripping in bucket water looking all sexy. Madonna's done it, so has Mel Gibson, Christian Bale, and even Viggo Mortensen. How embarrassing is that. And my point is...that style of corniness should pass like gas and never be seen again.

When I heard that Guy Ritchie was going to direct a new Sherlock Holmes movie, I rolled my eyes. I read and reread the complete volumes when I was eleven, and I feel that I ought to be heard about this subject. Sherlock, after all, has been my father for years (in my head) even though he was a dope fiend. My mother, incidentally, was Irene Adler, the only person that ever eluded the great detective. Then I read that Robert Downey, Jr. was going to play the great sleuth himself.

At this point, I started picturing my father lathered in sea water, his houndstooth hat dripping over his nose and cape. Holy fuck, I though, they're going to ruin my main man. First of all, Robert Downey is SHORT and he is American. Secondly, Jude Law is going to play Watson who is TALLER than Downey.

Sherlock Holmes is over 6 feet tall. His nose is aquiline or hawkish. Downey is too pretty. Jude Law is even prettier. Watson was a military guy stationed in India. He was kinda old already. Sherlock and Watson didn't meet until they were already in in their 40's.

Please don't massacre my little world of 221B Baker Street, Guy Ritchie. Stick to your imitation Tarantino and Scorsese movies. Leave my dad alone! Don't let him roll around in the sand while you douse him with cold ocean water until his sex appeal is milked out of his pores.